I just feel so... so... out of it...

I went to see again and it was fun, except I got really sick the last day there...

Things in life are just... shit... I want to move closer to my bestie, but I can't sell my house for any amount that would allow me to buy one closer to her without aquiring another HUGE mortgage... It's getting to be too much... I constantly feel like a piece of me is missing or that my heart's been torn up... I am really going to go insane pretty soon...

My horse situation is better then before, I can at least RIDE my horse, if only once a week with the coach there for 30 mins just walking around and a little trotting... but I need to find another horse to ride, I haven't had a lesson lesson in a few months now since Teddy left and Dusty was offically taken out of the lesson program, and I miss cantering and galloping around, and collection and extension, and side passing and learning dressage and even JUMPING! I know if I could go RIDE whenever I had one of my break downs, I would feel better faster... Riding always does that for me so long as I don't have to worry a whole lot about falling off and I can gallop a little to pump some adreniline into my system... I can't do that on my horse yet... Well I could, but she WOULD buck me off or slip in the courner and fall on me... She's just not ready for that with a rider yet... I really need to talk to my coach and ask her to beg one of the boarders to let me ride their horse... I would ride just about anyone in the barn with her there, and a good portion by myself as long as someone is in the barn SOMEWHERE... I would ride Rion with her there, Poli on my own, Holly on my own, Monty with her there the first few times, Re on my own, Bru with her there the first time, Tonka with her there, Mister with her there, Dusty on my own, Angel with her there, Fancy alone, Tucker with her there, Cash on my own... Yeah... if only the owners would let me... Angel is the only one, 'cause she's mine, but like I said, she's not ready to do all the stuff I want her to yet...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!